I've been very introspective today, not unusual for me, but as I was obsessively cleaning the house, I got to thinking. I've changed a lot over the past year, more than I even thought possible. But there's one thing that's changing that I think is very important, something I hadn't seen before. Growing up I was always a very defensive person. I was extremely so in my last relationship, always defending everything I did, said, but that was out of fear, a fear that shames me now, but I did it because I was being manipulated. Before then I was simply defensive because everything was so damn serious and important to me (not that it isn't now, but it was at an unhealthy level). I was too humble, I think, I was always afraid the earth would fall from under me, always had to have control, something I feel I haven't had much in my childhood and adolesence. I started to realize I am becoming more and more proud, confident, and less defensive, and I thought of the reasons. Luna is one, for certain, but I think Malia coming back into my life is a huge reason. Looking back, I can see the change happened almost immediately after we rediscovered the bond we once shared. I admire Malia much, and I think this time she was needed in my life to remind me of the person I really want to be, the person I am becoming, and the person I am. Malia is so damn proud that sometimes it takes people aback, but knowing her so well, I see the trait for what it is and I admire it. She is who she is, she tells you who she is, and she makes no apologies. She has reminded me of my defensive nature, and she helped speed up the process of pulling me out of it. Lately I've found it easier to be myself. I make no apologies anymore. I'm hard, and I can be cold when I have to be, and I've gotten over the guilt that comes with it. I have a smile for everyone, but if they choose to try and tear the earth from under me, or take that control back, I no longer have a problem looking them in the eye, getting into their space and telling them the way it is. I did this the last time I saw Josh, I see it now, and I'm damn proud of it. For once, I had the floor, for once, I didn't let him humble me, I didn't let him take that control, twist my words or manipulate me. I believe in reasons for everything. If you decide to get up at this very moment and walk out your door, something may happen that could change your day, your year, your life. Every simple thing has cause and effect. Now that I know one of the reasons Malia came back into my life, I appreciate her even more. Life is about people, and what we can learn from them, what we can share with each other, how we can use it to make everyone's lives better. Wow, I didn't expect to say that much.
Yesterday I found out that The Celestine Prophecy is being made into a movie!! That is fucking awesome.
I know I had planned on talking about Love, but that topic is still a little muddled in my head. It's taken a year, but I'm finally content with being single, and casual dating, though I don't think I really care at the moment if I do. I'm happy. My life is peaceful at the moment, and I'm enjoying it. So, unless you're this guy, this guy or this guy, you probably won't get my attention any time soon.